it's so weird how sometimes a few words that someone who is not even close to you, or rather someone who dun even noe you, said can affect me so much.

and i am pissed at myself. for even allowing it to affect me AT ALL.
but i cant help it.

you were right to say I've changed since 10years ago (i.e. sec sch) but you were unfair to make the change sounds like something bad, and you were selfish to deprive me of something tat i wanted juz becoz of tat, when you dont even noe me 10 years ago, and you still don't noe me now. i dun think we even exchange more den 20 sentences in our whole lives?

When i say change, i don't mean looks of coz.
I noe i've changed. I carry myself differently. I dress differently. I have different opinions and viewpoints towards certain things. I have interests in different things.

but tat does not mean that I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago inside.

for goodness sake! you are comparing me now with me 10 years ago. Surely you don't expect me to dress the same way as I did in secondary school? Surely you don't expect me to have the exact same opinions towards issues now as I did in sec school?

tat's totally absurd.
whether the change is good or bad, I have no idea.
mebbe good in the sense that I've been thrown into different kinda situations before, having to deal with different and difficult people, to such an extent that i think i can handle tougher situations and ppl now.
mebbe good in the sense that I'm more open-minded now, having had to go through several ups and downs in my life.
mebbe good in the sense that I'm more mature. If i am 15years old now, I would have juz kept quiet abt everything, go home and cry myself to slp.

mebbe bad in the sense that after having gone through 10 years of life since i first stepped into my sec sch, I'm no longer the same naive innocent simple me as i was.

but u noe wat? I would love to be the same naive innocent simple me that i was in sec sch. I think i was a tad happier and more cheery at tat time.

but u've nvr been through wat i have gone through. do you even noe wat my family has gone through during those JC years and the first few years of Uni? NO.
do u even have the slightest idea what i've gone thru in some of my r/s? NO.

it's not easy to retain that seed of innocence and naivety in me, esp not after i've been in NUSSU and ENGIN club. I'm not like you. I don't juz study and study and waste my time away on those books for 4years. I actually do things you noe. with all the politics and all the backstabbing and all the different and difficult ppl u meet in organisations, it's hard to remain as innocent as i was.

you see things. you get different perspectives. you learn things (thru the hard ways, sometimes). and den u noe wat u do?
you CHANGE.
you change to suit different situations and to handle different ppl.
you change becoz now u noe scheming and two-faced ppl do exist out there, it's not juz a myth.
you change so that you can learn how to handle them, and YET not turn into them.

this is the real world. grow up and learn, ger.

and seriously, i'm glad i changed since sec sch till now.
in sec sch, i was a ger who was noisy with frens but never learnt how to express my thoughts and feelings. i kept everything personal and private to myself, and i have no idea why either. i juz couldnt open up. i was someone with relatively low self esteem and self confidence.
i was not outspoken and i never make myself get heard.

in my sec sch, there was no one who disliked me, there were only frens who liked me, and schoolmates who were neutral to me. and u noe why? becoz to them, i'm juz a normal non-outstanding ger who blends in with the crowd and the background.

i dunno how i learnt to change fr who i was at tat time to who i am now. mebbe it was situations or circumstances, mebbe it was people i met who made an impact on me which i didnt even noe abt.

but i'm still glad i changed. i have more frens now, i've learnt how to tell ppl how i feel, in fact i ALWAYS tell ppl how i feel, whether i'm over the moon abt certain things or whether i'm depressed abt certain things. i'm more confident abt things, and i'm more outspoken abt certain opinions i have.

whether u like it or not, ppl around u change. be it the past 10 years, or the next 10 years.
juz accept it! u dun shun ppl whom u think haf changed and den avoid them like plague.

i feel kinda sad for u, if u haven changed a single bit in the past 10 years.
what have u been doing in your life?
havent you met new ppl? or ppl who haf made an impact on you?
havent you done new things like organising a bash, or organising a bazaar, or be in charge of a whole committee? or have u juz been so busy studying u did not see the world go past you?

and besides, what right do you have to pass judgement on me?
you do not noe me 10years ago. you do not noe me now.

the last i rem, we dun really tok in school too. so wat basis are you banging on when u said i've changed GREATLY since sec sch? the fact tat everytime you see me, i seemed to be wearing clothes tat u dun rem seeing me wear in sec sch?

i'm putting alot out there by saying all these here. alot of ppl reading my blog dun even noe how low my self-esteem in sec sch was.

so do me a favor. the next time you wanna pass judgement on me, think before you say anything. and pls keep in mind, tat you dun really noe me anyway.

like wat my frens say, you are so selfish i probably shouldnt even be bothered.

which i'm not goin to anymore. i'll prob juz forget abt this whole thing aft i blogged. tat's WHY i blogged.

i feel so much better aft tokin to all my frens. it's amazing how tokin to them always make everything seemed ok. and it's amazing how they nvr fail to stand by my side no matter wat. =)

where's lester when i need himmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
muz be busy with some HALL stuff again. -_-