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* Wednesday, April 9, 2008 *
It has hit me awhile ago that I havent felt happiness for a pretty long time.
I'm not talking about the surface kind of happiness, like when ppl tell u u look slimmer and better, or when someone tells u a joke, or when u manage to get all the flavors u like queueing up at a donut shop.
I'm talking about from-the-bottom-of-the-heart kind of happiness that you feel even when you've a bad hair day and the day starts off on a crappy start, even when ppl around u start throwing u shit, even when you've tons of work and tuitions packed for the day, and yet u still hold a smile on ur face, and the skip in ur steps.
I havent felt like that for a long time. mebbe since after I came back from USA. tat's almost a year.
I totally hate it when I tell ppl that I'm feeling sianz and bothered and not very happy, and they juz throw a sentence back at me.
sometimes that sentence holds envy in it. sometimes it holds jealousy. sometimes it holds distaste.
like, I'm supposed to feel that everything in this world is perfect and beautiful; and worse, that I have no right to even feel negatively, JUST becoz "I got a job already, wat!".
you know wat, take my job, for all I care. I have other things much much MUCH more important to me, and it is screwed up. All I want now, is for those things to get better, and maybe go back to what they used to be? I don't really give a damn about whether I have or do not have a job anymore.
I don't know which is more heartbreaking. Knowing that there seemed to be something really wrong, but not able to pinpoint what they are and not being able to solve them, and just feeling helpless all the time, or knowing that the other party is trying so hard and yet somehow I don't feel or see any improvements on the situation. It is no one's fault. It's just the circumstances.
I'm trying my best, and I'm going to give my best. If there is something called better than best, that is what you're going to get. I'm trying and I want everything to work. I will give up anything and everything for you. If that is what it takes. I will give up my job for you. my grades. my grad trip. Although looking at the situation now, I think I really need the trip. I think WE need the trip.
I don't like to run away from problems, and I won't. But I have a tendency to want to run when the problems are constantly there, and things start to get tiring. My love for you must be really strong, if I'm still staying put.
I really want this. so badly. I still believe in us.
But only time will tell.
I'm not talking about the surface kind of happiness, like when ppl tell u u look slimmer and better, or when someone tells u a joke, or when u manage to get all the flavors u like queueing up at a donut shop.
I'm talking about from-the-bottom-of-the-heart kind of happiness that you feel even when you've a bad hair day and the day starts off on a crappy start, even when ppl around u start throwing u shit, even when you've tons of work and tuitions packed for the day, and yet u still hold a smile on ur face, and the skip in ur steps.
I havent felt like that for a long time. mebbe since after I came back from USA. tat's almost a year.
I totally hate it when I tell ppl that I'm feeling sianz and bothered and not very happy, and they juz throw a sentence back at me.
"You got a job already, wat!"
sometimes that sentence holds envy in it. sometimes it holds jealousy. sometimes it holds distaste.
like, I'm supposed to feel that everything in this world is perfect and beautiful; and worse, that I have no right to even feel negatively, JUST becoz "I got a job already, wat!".
you know wat, take my job, for all I care. I have other things much much MUCH more important to me, and it is screwed up. All I want now, is for those things to get better, and maybe go back to what they used to be? I don't really give a damn about whether I have or do not have a job anymore.
I don't know which is more heartbreaking. Knowing that there seemed to be something really wrong, but not able to pinpoint what they are and not being able to solve them, and just feeling helpless all the time, or knowing that the other party is trying so hard and yet somehow I don't feel or see any improvements on the situation. It is no one's fault. It's just the circumstances.
I'm trying my best, and I'm going to give my best. If there is something called better than best, that is what you're going to get. I'm trying and I want everything to work. I will give up anything and everything for you. If that is what it takes. I will give up my job for you. my grades. my grad trip. Although looking at the situation now, I think I really need the trip. I think WE need the trip.
I don't like to run away from problems, and I won't. But I have a tendency to want to run when the problems are constantly there, and things start to get tiring. My love for you must be really strong, if I'm still staying put.
I really want this. so badly. I still believe in us.
But only time will tell.
at 3:36 PM* * * * * * * * *